Make it count.

When someone dies it is horrible. It hurts . The loss seems unending.
You move on . The pain isn't a constant thing. Life gets back to normal. Other things take up  your thoughts.

Then something  sneaks up on you. Something clever on tv . A product at the store . A scent . A song.
Then it just tears at you like it was fresh and new. The pain that never really left . That helpless hopeless feeling. It was just waiting for that moment to  attack.

Sometimes you might even forget for one brief moment that the person has died . I hate that part . That half a second  when you think oh you know who would love this? or I must tell them about this... but you can't. hey were such a fixture in your life . Routines are different. It never makes sense.

I would never trade the memories to be rid of the pain and loss, but it still sucks. It really does.

I feel like I should explain where these thoughts are coming from. I don't really know. They just hit me. Looking at a Disney World picture of a Topiary that looks like a character from Car. It doesn't make sense.

My mother recently lost her husband . I was not close with him but I hurt for her. Even though we didn't really have anything to do with each other  (it is a whole 'nother story) his presence was a major factor in my life  because my mother is a major factor in my life. It is unsettling that he is gone. It also brings back thoughts of all the people I have lost .

My grandmothers deaths hurts the most . Maybe even more than my dad's death.
When I was a little girl I used to pray and wish on stars and  throw coins in wells - I asked for everyone I loved to live forever or at least just longer than me so I would never lose anyone.

Even then I knew it was a silly thing.

All we can do is try to enjoy the time I have with the people we love and make it count.